72!

So, I said I would write about marriage, Rainey style. We've been married for over 23 years now, and it definitely has not been easy. In fact, at times I wasn't sure we would make it. And, at the same time, it's been THE BEST relationship I've ever had with another human being and I wouldn't trade it for the world!

When Rick and I met, I was a very different person then. My family can attest to this. It was 1984, my sophomore year of college at UT in Austin. I was not as shy as I was my freshman year but I was still very timid about life and my part in it.

Rick was handsome, funny, charming, did I mention handsome and funny? Yes, I laughed a little too hard at his humor, but sometimes it was because I didn't even understand the reference or joke. I wasn't dumb, just quite sheltered. We'd only been in the US for 2 years, and before that my hometown of Parry Sound, Canada was 5,000 population, we had 3 channels with an antenna/rotar, and our movie theatre played 1 movie for 2 weeks, before the next one came.

Rick introduced me to all kinds of music, like Chicago, U2, etc, more than just the stuff on MTV, back when MTV played music! I saw movies like Clockwork Orange (um, quite shocking for me), Alfred Hitchcock films, the Maltese Falcon, Blade Runner and more. Of course I loved music and movies but my repertoire was more of a pop culture thing.

I learned to better understand and like baseball, have watched every Jim Carrey movie out there (multiple times {SIGH}) and love to eat at James Coney Island and Chik-fil-la all because of this "boy"!

I think the biggest thing Rick did for me was give me confidence. Confidence that I was worth loving, that I had good thoughts, that I was someone worth knowing and listening to. I was severely lacking in these areas and Rick gave me a great gift. In fact he may have created a monster!! I actually still struggle with confidence, but many of you wouldn't know it. Right? Go ahead, it's okay to agree. I know!

I think, in a way, we've switched places. He was the outgoing, funny, social one and I was more reserved, afraid to let people know who I was, very concerned about what people thought of me. Now, I don't mean we've done a complete reversal. I just happen to be the more outgoing, positive, outspoken one and Rick is more reserved. He's not quite sure how i manage to stike up a conversation with people in public and come away knowing that the lady in line at the grocery store has a child with Asperger's, the salesperson at Macy's has a friend whose daughter went to school with Josh or that the pest control guy used to live in the neighborhood of the school I taught in and his neighbor's kid was in my class and is now in college! I know. I'm weird.

Somehow, throughout all of our trials, tribulations, crises, ups and downs, we've managed to stay together. The odds aren't in our favor. Did you know that approx. 80% of marriages fail if just one of the children has a serious mental illness? After all we've gone through, I think it's a miracle were still together.

Thank God for Carol & Steve LaBonte, Dr. Roche and Dr. Tarnow. Because of these fine professionals we've learned to communicate, understand each other and deal better with each others' weaknesses. We've taught each other a lot! I think Rick may have learned more than he ever wanted to know! There's this look that comes over his face, where his eyes glaze over, mouth has this funny tilt to it and I realize that if I don't stop and explain, or just plain stop, he may start to drool.

Or, there are the times when I'm frustrated and have learned, most of the time, to not bite Rick's head off. Like when he can't find something in the pantry. I say "It's on the 3rd shelf from the bottom, on the left side, between the rice and the Mac n' Cheese," and he still can't find it. I walk over, point to it and he swears he looked there.

I think the most important thing about staying married is that you BOTH want the marriage to work more than you want to be right. When we argue and I know I'm wrong I want to apologize, well, most of the time, because I would rather be on the same page with Rick than stand my ground. Not easy, just simple. Put WE ahead of ME.

72. Never had the number 72 tell more about people than during the past few months. Rick and I no longer have to share our anniversary with Kim Kardashian and her newest ex. The number 72, in relation to the number of DAYS they were married, tells us a lot about their character, doesn't it?

How about 72 years! That's almost how long Rick's grandparents, Mema and Papa, have been married. We heard an interesting story about what went on with them on Christmas Day.

So, Papa makes these awesome sweet, hot pickles. He makes them, Mema puts them in jars and they were giving them to some people for presents. Apparently, a few days before Christmas, Papa dropped a jar of pickles, cleaned it up the best he could, being 94 yrs old AND being a man. A day or two later, Mema, who's 90, steps on something sticky, aaaaaand, she's off.....

She's mad that Papa didn't clean it up to her satisfaction, that a jar broke in the first place and that now she's convinced that when Papa broke the other jar, glass shards flew all over and that now there's glass in the sealed pickles jars, on a shelf 5 feet off the ground. Ah, yep! Don't ask! Just trust me that she really believed there was glass in the other unopened pickle jars.

Apparently, this arguement occurs at home, then continues during Christmas dinner and picks up where they left off back at their home later that evening. Rick's uncle gets a frantic phone call from Mema, saying she's locked herself in the bathroom because Papa has gone crazy. Randy heads over and is greeted at the door by Papa, in his jammies, having no clue what's going on. Randy got Mema out of the bathroom, she said they were arguing about the pickles and that Papa couldn't take Mema's nagging any more and he wanted a divorce. Going on 72 years of marriage and he wanted a divorce! Randy worked his magic, as he always does, Papa agreed to calm down and stop scaring Mema, so she wouldn't have to hide in the bathroom, and Mema agreed to not nag Papa so much. They kissed and all was well!

72. It can tell you a lot. I hope we make it to 72. We just might!

Love you, Ricky. You stud-muffin, you!

Stand By - There's More to Come

Some posts that will make their blog debut in the near feature:

* some winter/snow awesome memories

* marriage, Rainey style

* update on our kids

* whatever else creeps into this wild brain of mine!

Ta Ta for now.

Like Unzipped Pair of Jeans! Aahhhhhh!

Did you know we're moving? Yes, tis true! To a colony. Check it out...

http://m.youtube.com/index?desktop_uri=%2F&gl=US#/watch?v=thp4KhiXe0s"
YouTube > Colony-of-Losers.com presents "Come out, Come Out Wherever You Are"

Thanks to my cousin, Neil, for sharing with me!

It's been weird since Josh went to Utah. We went from many people having no idea the extent of Josh's mental illness, bipolar disorder, to being completely open about his and Lauren's struggles. We just talk about it as if it's a common place thing. And, actually, it is!

*"Approximately 57.7 million Americans experience a mental health disorder in a given year. One in 17 lives with a serious mental illness such as schizophrenia, major depression or bipolar disorder and about one in 10 children live with a serious mental or emotional disorder"

*NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) www.nami.org

There is a freedom that's come from sharing with others about our life. I don't feel the stigma of mental illness on our family. I feel unburdened. Unashamed. Understood better. Don't get me wrong. I'm not, nor have ever been, ashamed of my children. I love them to pieces. I know you know that.

I guess it's like wearing a tight article of clothing. You feel okay wearing it, but when you unzip or take it off, you realize how constricted you were. I feel like a stomach "coming out" of an unzippered pair of jeans. Free!

Free to be just who and what we are, as a family, as parents, as human beings. Not holed up in our house afraid to talk about our issues, afraid that we'd be a total drag to our friends because we have nothing but our screwed up lives to share (Come on, you know it's true. You ARE afraid to ask 'How's it going?') hehehe!

But, I haven't been totally honest. I know you LOVE IT when I'm totally honest, right!!!

It's not just my kids that are moving to the colony. It's me too. Ive suffered with major depression for a few years now. At first, we (me, Rick, Dr. Roche, Dr. Tarnow) thought it was situational. I mean who wouldn't be out of their mind living our life! It's been a battle since 1995, getting worse in 2003, and really been a "neverending pit of crap" since 2007! 'Tis true, I'm afraid to say. So true.

Who knows! Maybe one day I won't feel depressed. Not holding my breath here. In this case, the apple didn't fall far from the tree with my parents, to me and to the kids. Um, to Rick's family... you're DNA is not off the hook either! :) Regardless of where "It" came from, we've just gotta deal. Like I've said before, MENTAL ILLNESS SUCKS!

But, I know my kids and I are not the only ones. There are a lot of people out there going thru some of,or worse than, our struggles.

So... like Michael Kimber says 'COME OUT, COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE'! The colony is certainly not always the best or easiest community to live in, but you won't be alone, you've got some pretty awesome neighbors and you might just be inspired! AND, no tight jeans are allowed!

All For Her

Like the hat? I love it! Why, because it belonged to Hilary. It's hers, but I've been wearing it lately.


You see, for the last few months, since August, I've been busy. Not just with regular stuff, or regular Rainey stuff, but with helping my friend as she died. What a horrible and holy labor of love!


I'm sure you can guess why it was horrible. I hate cancer! It took my lively, bubbly, determined, beautiful friend and filled her every moment with fear, pain, and agony. I watched as she took chemo and radiation, vomited and had exhaustion, endured pulmonary embolisms (which we realized began in my car but we figured she was dizzy and out of breath because she had been in her hospital bed too long), and have pain so bad that OxyContin and oxycodone together couldn't touch it. She was such a fighter. She called that part of herself "Heidi". You did NOT want to mess with Heidi! Hilary/Heidi fought so hard against the illness, for herself, for Wayne, Zach and Zoe. She was so determined to not leave her family behind. At the end she fought with every breath.


So, what's holy about all of this? Watching Hilary say "I love you too!" to her kids right up to the last day, even though she had been almost non-responsive since Monday. Watching Wayne hold her hand and gaze at her, with tears in his eyes. When he had to give her pain meds and needed her to wake up a bit, he'd call her name, she would stir almost immediately, in some fashion, her eyelids would flutter and Wayne would say, with a big smile on his face "There's my girl!". He hardly left her side during the last few weeks. I watched their cats hover around her hospital bed, especially on the last day. We had to keep moving them off of her legs. Animals are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. What holy moments I saw!


Had a few myself, while holding her hand, rubbing lotion on her bald head to get rid of the itchies, trimming and filing her nails because she didn't like her nails long, and because she knew how fastidious I am about fingernails. :) I talked, hoping she could hear me (pretty sure she did), about the day, how Zoe's cheer practice went, anything I wanted to say to her. Listened to music Wayne had set up on her laptop for her to hear. Switched the Pandora channel from worship music to Journey a few times.


The last thing Hilary, Wayne and the kids needed was me bawling my eyes out. Hilary didn't like crying, or the sad puppy-dog eyes she would get as a cancer patient while out in public. She was fighting it and she wanted no pity! So, i sucked it up and was my friend's friend. I felt very blessed to be let in, to help. The family did me such a great honor by allowing me to help them, be there, do chores, drive places and be Hilary's friend up until the end. I saw my main role as Hilary's comedian. She and I laughed and reminisced about children's choir, UM ARMY, youth choir trips, our children, you name it! We sang a few children's choir songs, talked about the Journey/REO Speedwagon concert Amy, Hilary and I went to, and scavenger hunts with youth!


And then there was the hat. We both loved Sesame Street and The Muppets from our childhood and could, at any moment break into this:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8N_tupPBtWQ


Hilary had lots of hats and scarves to keep her head warm and covered. They were in a basket attached to her bed and were useful props for our laughing sessions. Last Monday night, I was wearing the Oscar the Grouch hat. Hilary opened her eyes, looked at me and said sarcastically "You look beautiful, Beth!". That was the last time she talked to me.


The service today was so beautiful. Kathy's beautiful words, Amy's solo, the beautiful music sung by a loving choir family, the pink roses, Wayne wrapping his strong arms around his children, Zoe's poem, Zach singing/playing 'The Rainbow Connection' (the Steinerts and Tim, Hilary's brother, went to see the new Muppets movie recently. Hilary sweetly cried during this song). She didn't cry today. She was the proudest mom in Heaven, watching her children's loving tributes to her.


At the reception, the Oscar the Grouch hat and her Cheshire Cat hat were on a table of pictures and other mementos. I put on one and Amy wore the other. I must have been a sight! I had cried off all my makeup, looked exhausted and wore this crazy hat on my head. Doesn't matter to me. We did it for Hilary, to laugh with our friend, all the way to the end of her journey.


Thank you, Wayne, Zoe and Zach. Thanks, Hilary. I love you.

Polar Opposites? Maybe not!

There's a lot on my mind tonight. Feeling kind of numb. What I AM aware of is that there is something to be learned in everything and there's beauty and love in every crisis.

Today I witnessed absolute love and devotion in the midst of a life in the process of passing on. There was such beauty in every touch, word spoken, hand held, glance met. I've never experienced things like this before. Truthfully, I'm stunned and kind of having an out-of-body moment. How can there possibly be something magnificent in the middle of death?

A lot of people have there own opinions and answers. Mine is a 3-letter word. GOD! Who else could give me such a sense of wonder?

As I drove home tonight I noticed how black the sky is, and how bright and beautiful the moon and stars are. If I hadn't been overwhelmed and not needed any extra stimuli, I probably would have had the radio or iPod playing, rushing to get home. Instead I was silent (ya, I know. Hard to believe!!) and driving slowly (hush now!). Only in that space could I see the sky and the Heavens, the silhouette of huge oak trees and... a falling star.

Thank you, God, for this night, for what I witnessed, the precious moments with someone very near and dear to my heart and soul and the special bond we have that goes beyond words and, if I'm lucky, beyond this earthly realm. I will treasure this always!

To Quote Sponge Bob...

DBT. Dialectical behavioral therapy. This is a specific type of therapy helpful with Josh and Lauren's diagnoses, it's what they do at Youth Care in Utah and what Lauren and I are studying at The Tarnow Center. We then teach it to Rick so we all know the info.

Radical Acceptance. Accepting that at this specific time and place, this is where I am and how things are. Sounds easy. Not really.

I have a lot of things I need to accept. You'd think I'd have already done that by now, but that's not totally true. I have come to realize, and be ok with, many situations but I have a long way to go.

One of the things I've accepted is the situation in which I grew up in and know, REALLY know my parents loved me and did the best they could. I am at peace with all of that. Because of my radical acceptance of this situation, I could give my mom the love, care and understanding she needed her last few years and why I can be there for Dad now. I'm very grateful for it, as I know with my mom, and will know with my dad when he's gone, that I did all I could for them, with no regrets.

I thought I had accepted my kids' diagnoses. However, recently I came to the realization that I was under the impression that if I worked my tail off giving them all possible opportunities to learn healthy life tips and coping strategies while young, they would have SOME difficulties but be much less affected.

I was wrong!

They still are in anguish, with more serious life situations, and I'm having trouble accepting this fact. I really don't WANT to accept it, tbh. Hehehe. Like that? See i'm still hip. I know what tbh is! Except I think that saying 'I'm hip' negates it all.

Ok. What was I saying?

This is a new level of grief, I think. Somehow my mind messed with me, or maybe it was my heart, that said if I did everything possible for Lauren and Josh they would be just like everyone else's teenagers. I know, I know!!! But typical sounds wonderful to me!

This is an example of not having radical acceptance! Now, life as it is, with both kids struggling, is the truth staring me down. I don't like it at all.

We got thru Thanksgiving without Josh. I only had 1 small tearful moment, but then it was time to go volunteer at George R Brown, and then pick up Dad. Glad Dr. Roche suggested volunteering. Really took me out of my thoughts.

But now, I don't want to decorate for Christmas. Josh isn't here and he should be! How can I decorate, how can we do the tree without all 4 of us here, drinking egg nog, listening to Johnny Mathis's Christmas album? It seems like I shouldn't do it because he won't be here to enjoy it. I'm being mean by having Christmas without him here.

THIS is radical acceptance! Josh is NOT here. Rick, Lauren and I are. I can't sit and feel sorry for myself. I need to be here for my husband, daughter and dad. Christmas is coming whether I like it or not. We will see Josh in Utah for a few days but he won't be home.

Please don't tell me to be grateful for what I DO have. I'm not trying to be rude, just honest. I do know what I'm lucky to have. Mostly we're blessed that Josh is still alive and is in an excellent facility, helping him to recover. That's my present. Insurance is paying in full, for now. That's a huge blessing. Also, Lauren is willing to work on her "stuff" and hopefully a job will come through for her, to keep her on a regular schedule and give her a sense of accomplishment.

Que sera sera. I always did think Doris Day was a little too perky.

I have other issues to come to terms with that affect me hugely. Some family issues; NO, not the growing up ones, more recent ones! Keep up with me, okay??

Some family relationships are not as I'd wish. Yea, I know, you're saying "Get over it, Beth! What else is new!" Easier said than done, right? I need to let go, take things AS THEY ARE, and not have expectations. Damn that radical acceptance!

Are you thinking right about now that I'm addicted to exclamation marks? I'm realizing that, too! Oops, too.

A giant struggle for me is accepting the diagnosis of cancer of one of my best friends. I can't wrap my brain and heart around the fact that she's 3 months younger than me. She's in pain and no one can fix that, no matter how hard her loving husband, kids, friends and doctors try. I am cherishing every moment(like putting on compression hose), smile, giggle, phone call and text we share. It's still not enough. It won't EVER be enough!!!!!!!

Radical Acceptance = Being ok with life not being fair

I also need to accept that people are going to hurt me. Not everyone will like me, in fact some people might just really dislike me. People pleasing is sooo hard to rid! (I really meant that exclamation mark)

Our family is dealing with a crisis of faith. Not going to our church of 22 years anymore is a real loss. Huge! Needed to happen, been struggling with making that decision for a long time. I need to accept this, and realize that God is everywhere, even in a new church (kinda silly, huh?)

Im trying so hard to not be on a giant pity potty. Some times are better than others. Working on it. Geez, I hate working so hard! I know many feel as I do. I'm not alone.

This is where you all come in. I've really isolated myself from life the last year or so. Especially the last 8 months. Not good for the depression, ya know. Yes, I'm such a 'clevah' girl.

We had friends over for dinner last Sunday and after they left, Rick and I realized we haven't had anyone over to our home since Mom's funeral. Heather, Patti, Emily and Trey - you have no idea how special it was to have you over and what a great time we had!!

I've been trying to put myself out there and get back into life, as of the last month. Seen many of you for the 1st time in a long while. I loved every minute and I miss you all. I know I need you. However, I have these thought that hold me back. Who would want to be around such a miserable person? Not me? Who is brave enough to ask us "How are things going?" Hehehe, I wouldn't. So I hide in my room. A lot!

Radical acceptance- Quit being so miserable, Beth! I actually am working on that. Will take time to build up my confidence. But as Sponge Bob says, "I'm ready! I'm ready!"

Thanks, you guys :) Thanks, God :) Thanks, Radical Acceptance. :p

There's Humor in Everything!

So, Rick said to me the other day he wants a tattoo that represents our life or our current state of mind. I jokingly asked of what. He wants a toilet, with a bat sitting on it. The bat will have this wild looking face.

Ya, you guessed it!!! Bat Sh#t Crazy!

I just nodded my head.

P.S. See, I told you I wouldn't be all whiney and mopey!! Just honest! :p