...if you're looking for A Rainey Kind of Day! Yes, I know! Every time you come back here my blog looks different. Well, it's like clothes shopping. I found a few websites like this one that makes free backgrounds to use.
So, instead of trying on clothes in Chico's I'm trying on blog backgrounds in my study.
Hope my blinds are closed! :)
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
STIGMA - A Four Letter Word with a Few Extra Thrown in There
Stigma - I hate that word! But, I have to admit, I must fight the stigma of mental health issues within myself.
Lauren had a setback at home today. I won't go into details because that's not the issue. The issue is that my first impression is to NOT TALK ABOUT IT, HIDE IT FROM EVERYONE. There is a part of me that is embarrassed to post this. That's the stigma part. But the advocate in me is stronger! Much stronger!
The advocate in me says "Would I be embarrassed if my child had cancer and had a low blood count? What about if my child's tumor had new cell growth, or if her C125 marker was elevated?"
Of course, the answer is no! No one is at fault for having symptoms of their disease raise their ugly head. You don't blame a person for their body chemistry and biological responses. Lauren can no more control her neurons mis-firing or her brain chemistry being out of whack than a child with leukemia can help going out of remission.
What? How dare I compare my child to a child with leukemia? Am I not sensitive enough to know that children die of leukemia? Well, let me tell you some facts:
* children diagnosed with leukemia these days have less than a 10% chance of dying; I'm not undermining it, 10% is horrific!
* children diagnosed with brain disorders and mental illness (such as bipolar, ADHD, schizophrenia, depression, etc) have approx. 17% chance of death, due to suicide, risky behavior, impulsive decision making, drug & alcohol overdose
* children diagnosed with leukemia can be cured
* children diagnosed with brain disorders and mental illness can NEVER be cured; they must learn to cope, self-manage their disorders for the rest of their lives
* all of these children endure painful blood tests, medical procedures and scans, medications that give them side effects, hospitalizations (except if kids with mental illness are hospitalized for their disorder their parents don't get to spend the night, parents have to leave them there, alone, and usually have limited daily/weekly visits)
* have you ever seen a community fundraiser to raise funds for a family dealing with mental illness; dealing with mental health issues are very expensive and are not paid the same as biological issues, even though they are (the brain is an organ, right?)
* there is no Make-A-Wish foundation for our children
* there are no balloons, or get well wishes or prayer vigils for our children
* people don't like to talk about mental illness or brain disorders even though it is just a disease of the brain
Hmmm, do I sound a little bitter? I ask myself that as I type and the answer is.... no. No, because I don't wish anyone else ill will. I'm not dwelling in self pity. I'm not even saying I wish my kids didn't have their diseases. I'm not bitter, I'm determined. Determined that my children will have the best lives they can, the best that Rick and I can give them with ALL that we have to deal with every day. Their diseases (really it's more of a family's disease/effort) are our main focus in life. Other than our focus on God, the One that has and will continue to lead us through this life.
Sometimes I pray for Lauren and Josh to be healed completely. I have to ask! Jesus performed miracles and why not for my kids! Most of the time, I'm just asking for the strength and faith to continue on our journey, calm or rough as it may be. Being Lauren and Josh's mom has made me a better mother, wife and a better person. They have challenged me (oh boy, have they ever) to rise way above what I thought I could ever do and stay there for months on end.
I am who I am because of my children. If you don't like me the way I am, too &*$# bad! This is whom my children need me to be! I am my children's warrior. I am my children's advocate. I am my children's mom!
Lauren had a setback at home today. I won't go into details because that's not the issue. The issue is that my first impression is to NOT TALK ABOUT IT, HIDE IT FROM EVERYONE. There is a part of me that is embarrassed to post this. That's the stigma part. But the advocate in me is stronger! Much stronger!
The advocate in me says "Would I be embarrassed if my child had cancer and had a low blood count? What about if my child's tumor had new cell growth, or if her C125 marker was elevated?"
Of course, the answer is no! No one is at fault for having symptoms of their disease raise their ugly head. You don't blame a person for their body chemistry and biological responses. Lauren can no more control her neurons mis-firing or her brain chemistry being out of whack than a child with leukemia can help going out of remission.
What? How dare I compare my child to a child with leukemia? Am I not sensitive enough to know that children die of leukemia? Well, let me tell you some facts:
* children diagnosed with leukemia these days have less than a 10% chance of dying; I'm not undermining it, 10% is horrific!
* children diagnosed with brain disorders and mental illness (such as bipolar, ADHD, schizophrenia, depression, etc) have approx. 17% chance of death, due to suicide, risky behavior, impulsive decision making, drug & alcohol overdose
* children diagnosed with leukemia can be cured
* children diagnosed with brain disorders and mental illness can NEVER be cured; they must learn to cope, self-manage their disorders for the rest of their lives
* all of these children endure painful blood tests, medical procedures and scans, medications that give them side effects, hospitalizations (except if kids with mental illness are hospitalized for their disorder their parents don't get to spend the night, parents have to leave them there, alone, and usually have limited daily/weekly visits)
* have you ever seen a community fundraiser to raise funds for a family dealing with mental illness; dealing with mental health issues are very expensive and are not paid the same as biological issues, even though they are (the brain is an organ, right?)
* there is no Make-A-Wish foundation for our children
* there are no balloons, or get well wishes or prayer vigils for our children
* people don't like to talk about mental illness or brain disorders even though it is just a disease of the brain
Hmmm, do I sound a little bitter? I ask myself that as I type and the answer is.... no. No, because I don't wish anyone else ill will. I'm not dwelling in self pity. I'm not even saying I wish my kids didn't have their diseases. I'm not bitter, I'm determined. Determined that my children will have the best lives they can, the best that Rick and I can give them with ALL that we have to deal with every day. Their diseases (really it's more of a family's disease/effort) are our main focus in life. Other than our focus on God, the One that has and will continue to lead us through this life.
Sometimes I pray for Lauren and Josh to be healed completely. I have to ask! Jesus performed miracles and why not for my kids! Most of the time, I'm just asking for the strength and faith to continue on our journey, calm or rough as it may be. Being Lauren and Josh's mom has made me a better mother, wife and a better person. They have challenged me (oh boy, have they ever) to rise way above what I thought I could ever do and stay there for months on end.
I am who I am because of my children. If you don't like me the way I am, too &*$# bad! This is whom my children need me to be! I am my children's warrior. I am my children's advocate. I am my children's mom!
Friday, October 16, 2009
That Better Not Be Martha Stewart at My Door!
I have a dilemma. In a previous post (here) I told you about our the demise of our dining room carpet. So, ever since, I've been slightly embarrassed by it's absence. Not with my close friends. They accept me, my family (and our home, I guess) with all our flaws and love us anyways. That's what friends are for, right?
I'm talking about the OTHERS. Who are the others? Well, that might just be you, the one reading this blog right now. You know - the type of relationship you have with people where you see them in certain settings (like school functions/committees, church, sports) and you can even get really close. Especially if the relationship lasts a long time. BUT.... for some reason it just doesn't bloom into a full blown friendship outside of that setting. You know what I mean, right?
A few months ago, I was taking some food over to some friends we've known in our church for 20 years. Hmmm, that can't be right! I'm not old enough to have friends I've known for 20 years!! Anyways, we haven't seen much of this couple lately and Rick and I enjoyed chatting with them again. We talked about a whole group of us getting together again like we used to, but the husband, Roger, said that his lovely wife, Susan, doesn't want to have anyone over until she has a few things fixed in the house. Boy, can I ever relate!
That got me thinking about my stinkin' dining room carpet, or rather lack of stinkin' carpet! And the pulls in our berber from Astro's claws, and the cracks in the tile, and our less than special back yard, and....,...., and ...., and ..... Now don't get me wrong. We have a lovely home that we've lived in for just over 8 years. I love the size and layout. We're in a beautiful neighborhood, close to our church that we seem to be at all the time, close to our friends, close to what we need, etc. Our house is just at that point where it needs some touch-ups, some fixing up, some repainting, etc. A clean layer of most things. Got the picture?
Then, I think about our finances and how every dime we have goes to our children's tuitions, physicians, therapy, meds, my meds!!, Rick's meds!!, and that we are doing the best we can. Our house can wait, our children can't. Their future is right now!
I also think about people I meet thru outreach work with our church, see on TV or read about that have lost their houses due to job cuts, illnesses, the economy, etc and know how fortunate we are to have all the blessings that God has given us. I should be grateful for having carpet (even with the runs or stains), tiles (with a crack), a yard (without landscaping). Geez, now I feel guilty. God also gave us humility.
BUT... then comes the latest junk mail with all it's real estate, new home construction or remodeling photos and I go right back to thinking how embarrassed I am by the state of my house. Some of those 7 deadly sins raise their ugly heads again.
Wait a minute - what am I so ashamed of? That we spend all we can and more on giving our children the best chance in life with the conditions they were born with, and still find a bit to give back to God. That we have a lived-in home? That I spend more of my time on Rick and my kids and our lives than my house? Hmmm, I bet that's how God wants it! That my kids and dogs and cats are constantly in and out of my house so much I can't keep track of their shoe/paw prints? Or is it that I think people will see me as a terrible person because I don't want to scrub my carpets until theyshine, glow, unstain!!! Hey, news flash! I don't want to scrub my carpets. I don't want to wipe every scuff off my walls. I don't want to spend every dollar we earn or every hour of every weekend fixing up my house so it looks like Better Homes and Gardens. Well, I wouldn't even come close, but I could dream.
I, just like all of you, want to live and play and laugh. I want to do fun things, go to movies, take a nap on Sunday afternoons (now that my kids are older and I don't have to worry about them running out the door naked wearing nothing but a Batman cape), be outside when Texas weather permits, dance in my living room while listening to my iPod and do just enough chores and laundry to keep us going. Don't get me wrong, I like a clean kitchen, a sparkling fridge and a tidy underwear drawer but Betty Crocker I ain't!
So, what's the bottom line in all of this verbage? I'm intimidated by my friends' houses that look so neat and tidy when I go in them. They all look so clean, beautifully/charmingly decorated, organized and updated and mine, well...... doesn't. But, I guess I don't want to work as hard as all of my friends to have houses that look like that either. Wish I did, but oh well. Or maybe, like Roger and Susan, you might just feel like I do. That we all want to be more social, wish to be more spontaneous and invite people (other than our closest friends/family) to come over just for fun and hope than they care more about the people in the house than the dust bunnies hiding in the corners.
So, next time I invite you over you BETTER NOT comment on my concrete floor if you know what's good for 'ya! Just kidding. Hey, Roger and Susan, your house or mine?
I'm talking about the OTHERS. Who are the others? Well, that might just be you, the one reading this blog right now. You know - the type of relationship you have with people where you see them in certain settings (like school functions/committees, church, sports) and you can even get really close. Especially if the relationship lasts a long time. BUT.... for some reason it just doesn't bloom into a full blown friendship outside of that setting. You know what I mean, right?
A few months ago, I was taking some food over to some friends we've known in our church for 20 years. Hmmm, that can't be right! I'm not old enough to have friends I've known for 20 years!! Anyways, we haven't seen much of this couple lately and Rick and I enjoyed chatting with them again. We talked about a whole group of us getting together again like we used to, but the husband, Roger, said that his lovely wife, Susan, doesn't want to have anyone over until she has a few things fixed in the house. Boy, can I ever relate!
That got me thinking about my stinkin' dining room carpet, or rather lack of stinkin' carpet! And the pulls in our berber from Astro's claws, and the cracks in the tile, and our less than special back yard, and....,...., and ...., and ..... Now don't get me wrong. We have a lovely home that we've lived in for just over 8 years. I love the size and layout. We're in a beautiful neighborhood, close to our church that we seem to be at all the time, close to our friends, close to what we need, etc. Our house is just at that point where it needs some touch-ups, some fixing up, some repainting, etc. A clean layer of most things. Got the picture?
Then, I think about our finances and how every dime we have goes to our children's tuitions, physicians, therapy, meds, my meds!!, Rick's meds!!, and that we are doing the best we can. Our house can wait, our children can't. Their future is right now!
I also think about people I meet thru outreach work with our church, see on TV or read about that have lost their houses due to job cuts, illnesses, the economy, etc and know how fortunate we are to have all the blessings that God has given us. I should be grateful for having carpet (even with the runs or stains), tiles (with a crack), a yard (without landscaping). Geez, now I feel guilty. God also gave us humility.
BUT... then comes the latest junk mail with all it's real estate, new home construction or remodeling photos and I go right back to thinking how embarrassed I am by the state of my house. Some of those 7 deadly sins raise their ugly heads again.
Wait a minute - what am I so ashamed of? That we spend all we can and more on giving our children the best chance in life with the conditions they were born with, and still find a bit to give back to God. That we have a lived-in home? That I spend more of my time on Rick and my kids and our lives than my house? Hmmm, I bet that's how God wants it! That my kids and dogs and cats are constantly in and out of my house so much I can't keep track of their shoe/paw prints? Or is it that I think people will see me as a terrible person because I don't want to scrub my carpets until they
I, just like all of you, want to live and play and laugh. I want to do fun things, go to movies, take a nap on Sunday afternoons (now that my kids are older and I don't have to worry about them running out the door naked wearing nothing but a Batman cape), be outside when Texas weather permits, dance in my living room while listening to my iPod and do just enough chores and laundry to keep us going. Don't get me wrong, I like a clean kitchen, a sparkling fridge and a tidy underwear drawer but Betty Crocker I ain't!
So, what's the bottom line in all of this verbage? I'm intimidated by my friends' houses that look so neat and tidy when I go in them. They all look so clean, beautifully/charmingly decorated, organized and updated and mine, well...... doesn't. But, I guess I don't want to work as hard as all of my friends to have houses that look like that either. Wish I did, but oh well. Or maybe, like Roger and Susan, you might just feel like I do. That we all want to be more social, wish to be more spontaneous and invite people (other than our closest friends/family) to come over just for fun and hope than they care more about the people in the house than the dust bunnies hiding in the corners.
So, next time I invite you over you BETTER NOT comment on my concrete floor if you know what's good for 'ya! Just kidding. Hey, Roger and Susan, your house or mine?
Sunday, October 4, 2009
OMG! I'm LOL/ROFL/ROFLM*O! Wanna Come?
I just posted a story this past weekend for the first time in 8 months. I had to check the rest of the blog site to see what else was needing a fixer upper and decided to add a link to a YouTube video. Turn to the right (shout out to the great move "Raising Arizona"), scroll down to my Do You Like YouTube section and click on Baseball Players Dance!
Isn't it hilarious! I just love it. Yes, I love music, all kinds of music and dancing. I also don't mind watching baseball, seeing as that's Rick's favorite sport and he used to play. Actually, he still plays for the Klein Krawlers team, when he hasn't pulled a muscle or sprained something. Aren't baseball players just mighty cute! Gotta love a man in a uniform. Okay, had a little bit of an ADD moment there.
The real reason I love this video is because it symbolizes how I try to view my life. Here are these people, on the field fired up to do their job. Life (in this case, rain) gets in the way and what's their reaction? Did they scream and yell, pout in the dugout, pitch a fit to their team manager, shake their fists to the heavens?
No, they danced. They let go of what they couldn't change and decided to have some fun. They even had fun with the other team, their opponents, the "enemy". The best thing they did was laugh.
When I was growing up there were lots of wonderful things and some not so great things to deal with. Somehow, as I became a teenager and young adult, I focused more on the 'rain delays' in my life. I was shy (I know, hard to believe, huh?), too serious, and afraid of life. Really afraid. The ironic thing is that, at that moment in my young life, I didn't even know of the rain delays heading my way, let alone the hurricanes!
You wanna know what changed things for me. Marrying Rick and becoming Lauren and Josh's mom! Have you heard my hubbie do impressions or tell a joke? He's a riot. Was the hero of his fraternity for winning them a keg in a comedy contest in Austin. Won a trip to St. Louis to see MLB after coming out the winner in a sports impersonation contest held by FM 950 KPRC. My kids inherited his talent for voice impersonations and witty thinking. When the 3 of them get going, I laugh so hard I cry. They do a mean "Family Guy" routine (even though I hate Family Guy; it's so rude!). But it wasn't necessarily the wonderful family moments or fun-loving goofy things that brought me out of my funk, although it should have. It was the heartbreak. The rain delays. The hurricanes and tornadoes. As life swirled around us as a family, at one point I thought I might just go down the tubes. Fortunately, God made me survivor, determined to get through the bad stuff and come out the other side for the better. Heart surgeries, PDD, bipolar disorder, specialist physicians, schools not being able to help my kids leading to therapeutic schools across town, medication side affects, financial strain to the max, PTSD, driving 120 miles a day, etc....
I thank God for my faith every day. Some days it's stronger than others, but it's always there. Has been growing daily for 2 decades now. God has given me many gifts to get me through - my personal strengths, family and friends who love and support us, wonderful professionals to guide and teach us, HOPE (that's a biggy) and LAUGHTER. Thank God for laughter.
I love to laugh. I laugh a lot. I have a unique laugh, or so I've been told 100's of times. Not sure what "unique" means but, .... it doesn't concern me. Isn't laughter one of the best medicines for a body, mind and soul? It totally and instantly takes me out of what I'm stressed about, makes me feel younger at heart and full of life.
Isn't it hilarious! I just love it. Yes, I love music, all kinds of music and dancing. I also don't mind watching baseball, seeing as that's Rick's favorite sport and he used to play. Actually, he still plays for the Klein Krawlers team, when he hasn't pulled a muscle or sprained something. Aren't baseball players just mighty cute! Gotta love a man in a uniform. Okay, had a little bit of an ADD moment there.
The real reason I love this video is because it symbolizes how I try to view my life. Here are these people, on the field fired up to do their job. Life (in this case, rain) gets in the way and what's their reaction? Did they scream and yell, pout in the dugout, pitch a fit to their team manager, shake their fists to the heavens?
No, they danced. They let go of what they couldn't change and decided to have some fun. They even had fun with the other team, their opponents, the "enemy". The best thing they did was laugh.
When I was growing up there were lots of wonderful things and some not so great things to deal with. Somehow, as I became a teenager and young adult, I focused more on the 'rain delays' in my life. I was shy (I know, hard to believe, huh?), too serious, and afraid of life. Really afraid. The ironic thing is that, at that moment in my young life, I didn't even know of the rain delays heading my way, let alone the hurricanes!
You wanna know what changed things for me. Marrying Rick and becoming Lauren and Josh's mom! Have you heard my hubbie do impressions or tell a joke? He's a riot. Was the hero of his fraternity for winning them a keg in a comedy contest in Austin. Won a trip to St. Louis to see MLB after coming out the winner in a sports impersonation contest held by FM 950 KPRC. My kids inherited his talent for voice impersonations and witty thinking. When the 3 of them get going, I laugh so hard I cry. They do a mean "Family Guy" routine (even though I hate Family Guy; it's so rude!). But it wasn't necessarily the wonderful family moments or fun-loving goofy things that brought me out of my funk, although it should have. It was the heartbreak. The rain delays. The hurricanes and tornadoes. As life swirled around us as a family, at one point I thought I might just go down the tubes. Fortunately, God made me survivor, determined to get through the bad stuff and come out the other side for the better. Heart surgeries, PDD, bipolar disorder, specialist physicians, schools not being able to help my kids leading to therapeutic schools across town, medication side affects, financial strain to the max, PTSD, driving 120 miles a day, etc....
I thank God for my faith every day. Some days it's stronger than others, but it's always there. Has been growing daily for 2 decades now. God has given me many gifts to get me through - my personal strengths, family and friends who love and support us, wonderful professionals to guide and teach us, HOPE (that's a biggy) and LAUGHTER. Thank God for laughter.
I love to laugh. I laugh a lot. I have a unique laugh, or so I've been told 100's of times. Not sure what "unique" means but, .... it doesn't concern me. Isn't laughter one of the best medicines for a body, mind and soul? It totally and instantly takes me out of what I'm stressed about, makes me feel younger at heart and full of life.
I can't wait to see what cracks me up (with laughter, that is) today? Here's praying that you as well will have that belly jiggling-snorting through your nose-laughing so hard you cry-almost wet your pants-laugh so hard people around you start laughing kind of opportunity today. If you do, leave me a comment and tell me what happened to I can chuckle some more!
LOL/ROFL/ROFLM*O!
Saturday, October 3, 2009
I'm Standing Up
So, lately I've been getting this message over and over ............. STAND UP FOR WHAT IS RIGHT! You know, this is not easy. Simple but not easy.The real problem I have is why is it not easy? Why are some considered to be a rebel, outspoken, being difficult, bossy, opinionated, or judgemental for doing the right thing? Isn't standing up for justice being done or doing the right thing what we're all supposed to do?
Take this situation. If someone is sick, not of body but of mind, and behaves in a really sick way that hurts other people, why is it wrong to stand up against that! Now, by standing up against it, I DO NOT MEAN doing that person wrong in return. No bad-mouthing, no gossiping, no character attack, slander, etc. ............ just holding that person responsible for their behavior. Like holding a mirror up to their faces. Sometimes it's just not enough to turn the other cheek or to walk away. Not everyone should be let off the hook.
Just because sick people don't like someone saying "Your behavior is not appropriate" that doesn't make it wrong to say. Right? I know in this day and age we're supposed to be politically correct and not hurt other people's feelings, but come on people!
So WWJD? Jesus didn't hold back his comments about society's bad behavior. At times He was VERY vocal! He also was loving, generous, understanding, caring, dependable, forgiving and moral. I'm not saying I'm like Jesus but I do try to be like Him. That's what my devotion to my Christian faith expects of me. I'm not being self-righteous or pious. I hold myself to high standards. I expect anyone who sees ME acting in such ways to call me on it. Please do. I want you to.
Let's shake on it!
I Can't Stand It Anymore!
So, my last post was in January. Then,....... nothin'. Those who know me know that when my family has a more than a Rainey kind of day, more like a thunderstorm kind of season, then I hunker down in whatever the hailstorm is and deal with it. But, I promised I wouldn't post it, wouldn't dwell in it here, was going to keep my blog positive.... I have to break my promise!
Why? Because it's not me. I'm a "deal with it" kind of person. Whatever hits the fan, I'm dealing with it. And again, if you know me, then you know that NOT communicating is NOT my way. I don't shy away from anything painful, hurtful, difficult, because I can't live life if I don't. Keeping my blog positive just isn't logical. Life isn't positive. I don't keel over because my life isn't positive so why should my blog? My blog is an aspect of me and my life must/will go on, as will my blog.
So there, if you don't like any stuff I put in it now, don't read. I'm not being rude, negative or in your face. Just real. Real is what I'm all about. I say in my profile that I'm an advocate for my kids, brain disorders/mental illness, LIFE! What kind of advocate says nothing. Only an inefficient one, right?
Okay then! Let's move on!
Why? Because it's not me. I'm a "deal with it" kind of person. Whatever hits the fan, I'm dealing with it. And again, if you know me, then you know that NOT communicating is NOT my way. I don't shy away from anything painful, hurtful, difficult, because I can't live life if I don't. Keeping my blog positive just isn't logical. Life isn't positive. I don't keel over because my life isn't positive so why should my blog? My blog is an aspect of me and my life must/will go on, as will my blog.
So there, if you don't like any stuff I put in it now, don't read. I'm not being rude, negative or in your face. Just real. Real is what I'm all about. I say in my profile that I'm an advocate for my kids, brain disorders/mental illness, LIFE! What kind of advocate says nothing. Only an inefficient one, right?
Okay then! Let's move on!
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