Talk to My Heart!!

So, our family could use some extra prayers right about now. Tomorrow, Rick and I will face a very difficult situation; leaving Josh at a residential mental health facility in Utah. My poor sweet boy has gone through the wringer and he needs more help than what we can provide.

Let me start by telling you that I asked Lauren and Josh if I could write about these issues and they graciously gave their permission. I'm just telling my thoughts and feelings, but it's about their journey, which is not easy. I'm very proud of my children and how they deal with these serious issues.

Have I told you lately how much mental illness sucks!!!

Josh has not been doing well for several months now. His mood swings, depression, coping skills and thought process are out of control, leading us to have to admit him to a hospital for 8 days. God bless him, he worked his tail off in there and made real progress, but not enough to keep him safe and on an upward trend towards a regular life.

Through our wonderful doctors at The Tarnow Center, we have contracted with an educational consultant, whom will work with us over the next year to get the best care for Josh. Right now this means this residential facility. It's not a hospital, but a secure home setting with only 16 beds. Josh will receive intensive group and individual therapy, as well as have his educational needs met with an accredited program that meets his learning differences. Oh, did I mention snowboarding and hiking!! There are some perks!

Josh's length of stay depends on his progress and, much to our chagrin, what the insurance co. will approve. The typical length of stay is around 3-4 months. We'll have weekly staffings with Josh and his therapists via Skype, be able to talk to him on the phone and visit him at least once a month.

It's just not enough for my hurting heart.

How do I say goodbye tomorrow? How do I turn over my broken boy to strangers? How will he cope? Will he be scared and I won't be there to comfort him? I've only cried twice so far, and I pretty much did everything possible to squeeze back the tears, for fear that if I really start crying I won't be able to stop. Josh, and maybe Rick, is taking cues from me on how to deal with this seemingly impossible, yet necessary task. I can't fall apart yet. Too much to do!

So, I sit here in a hotel room in Salt Lake City, after a whirlwind of planning, completing forms, buying REAL winter coats, looking at Josh sleeping for the last time for a while. It's all happened so fast. From the time we made the decision to now has been 5 days. Good thing, because it hasn't left me much time to cry.

Josh has taken this move quite well. I'm really proud of him! He was a bit taken back at first, and took out his apprehensions on what he could and couldn't bring from the packing list. No t-shirts with band logos (what, no Beatles shirts!!!)and no iPod is hard for him, as music is very calming, but they have allowed Josh to bring his acoustic guitar. Thank God for that! Seriously! He started expressing his fear of going a little yesterday and all I can do is say "I know, honey. We'll be with you every step". I know he's freaked out because I've gotten lots of hugs and he's even held my hand a few times (his decision). BIG sigh!!!!

This is hard on Lauren as well. Hard for her to process it all and cope with her feelings. She is with my sister (thanks, Susie!), who thankfully came out to pick up Lauren so we had one less thing to manage. Watching them say goodbye was ... Ugh. No crying now!

We check in tomorrow at 9:00 am and we'll see what awaits us. I'm anticipating I'll be returning to the hotel with puffy eyes and a red nose, but that's a given. I KNOW we are doing the right thing for Josh and that this is the RIGHT facility for him. I just feel it. All Rick and I have ever wanted is for our children to lead healthy, productive, meaningful lives while managing their mental illnesses, as they will nned to for the rest of their lives. Just what all of you guys want for your kids, hopefully without that last part. Can I tell you again that mental illness sucks!!!

These goals for our son are only reachable by taking this path right now. I know that. Someone just tell my heart, ok?