Be Prepared for the Dumping Ground Ahead!

So, I know I've been pretty quiet since we took Josh. It was an extremely hard day and I just couldn't. Well, couldn't do much of anything.

We took Josh for a 9:00 am check-in and were there about 2 1/2 hours. I thought I was going to have trouble leaving him with strangers, but these people are amazing. Right away I could see how professional and yet down-to-earth they were. We found out that the psychiatrist that will meet with Josh once a week, watch over him medically and manage of his meds knows Dr. Tarnow (his dr. here) and at some point in the past worked with him. That is so reassuring, especially as they will be in contact with each other.

After we turned in all of our paperwork (18 pages on-line and 46 pages to hand in), we got a tour. There are 4 houses on the property and Josh will be in his house, with his "new family" the whole time. The kids sleep, eat, have group and individual therapy, go to school, etc. all within the home. They have outdoor P.E. everyday, and what a place to be outdoors! Draper is a suburb south of Salt Lake City and sits in a valley between 2 mountain ranges. Josh will have the opportunity to ski, go snowboarding, hike and skate at the Olympic ice rink. Glad I talked him into a REAL winter coat, not a Houston winter coat.

I held it together until the very end, but that goodbye was horrible. Josh did well with it. It was all me. He hardly slept the night before and mentioned several times that he was scared but once we'd been there a while he was ok staying. He was the one consoling me. I kept my hand over my mouth because I could feel that huge sobs were going to come out. Of course my eyes cried like a fountain that I couldn't stop. After several minutes Rick said we needed to go. I found myself frozen, unable to move. My feet could not move, even though I knew it was time to leave. Rick had to pull me to get me to move. We got out the front door, out of eyesight and ear shot of anyone and then I myself was a bit taken back on the sobs/screams coming out of my mouth. One of the hardest things I've ever done.

We went back to the hotel and just napped and looked at each other with glances of "How the hell did we get here". Rick was so good about taking care of me, so loving and nurturing! The only other time I lost it was the next day, as we were driving to the airport. But, we KNOW Josh is in the right place, being well taken care of. We can't talk to him until this coming Sunday, but we can get updates any time. He's adjusting fine and all seems to be going in the right direction.

I want to thank all of you for the many messages of support, the prayers and the love sent our way. It means so much! Mental illness is such a lonely path. If we talked about all of our problems, that have been high intensity for at least the past 4-5 years, we would be the dreariest people in Texas. So, Rick and I keep most of our problems to ourselves (except for close family and 1 or 2 friends) and have found ourselves very withdrawn lately.

Besides keeping you informed about our family's journey, I hope that each of you learns at least one thing about families living with mental illness! My son is as sick as someone with a life-threatening disease. In fact, his very life has been in danger and that's why we took him to the best place we could find. However, many people just don't think of it this way and don't want to talk about it. I am determined to be different.

I am NOT ashamed of my kids' diagnoses. They are types of brain disorders, which are physical in nature. My kids are not behaving in this way because they want to. With brain chemicals all out of whack and having a brain that is not typical (better word than "normal") in its wiring imagine how you would feel. My kids suffer a lot and, in turn, act out, which makes mine and Rick's life unbelievably hard. My kids see their friends, what limited ones they have (takes an extraordinary young person to stand up for and be there for them), going off to college or being very successful in school, being invited to all kinds of things, watch them have cars, dates, and most importantly, pride in who they are and a bright outlook on their future. We want that for our kids, just like you, but so far that has not really happened.

Please don't think I'm incredibly bitter. At times I feel a little bitter, more like envious of our friends' and family's more typical family lives. I also know that many of you have had no picnic raising some of your kids. I try to stay positive but sometimes it's hard when the only good thing going for us is that a dr. is on our insurance or " at least he got one of the best doctors in the hospital."

Is it so wrong to want more? Is it bad to not want our kids to do therapy and follow ups for much of their adult lives? I don't think so. It's also ok if we would like to spend money on family fun things, instead of private school tuitions we've paid since 2005, therapy for our whole family several times a week, medication co-pays that are huge because they each have 3-4 meds, and so on.

I'm so sorry to dump on you like this. This is just NOT the way I pictured my life. Watching my children hurt is every parents' nightmare and we've been doing it for over a decade.

I would like you to see the many blessings you have in front of you, that maybe you are or are not aware of. Be grateful for having to deal with your kid and his/her many after school activities. That means they fit in and have things to look forward to and be a part of. Be grateful for the busy times when your child needs to be at 3 birthday parties all in one weekend. That means they have many friends and are accepted socially. Be grateful for late curfews, car wrecks, progress reports and Homecoming/prom drama because that means you're dealing with typical teenage issues. I know I'm happy for you! I really mean that!

I promise I'll be more upbeat next posting. Pinky swear!

Love you all and thanks for "listening to" my crap. I needed to get that out, I guess. Thanks for the support, messages, texts, etc. They've really helped Rick and me during the last several days. If you want, please try to comment here, rather than on Facebook. I'm trying to keep my FB postings drama-free and a bit more private. I really appreciate that.

Beth <3