To Quote Sponge Bob...

DBT. Dialectical behavioral therapy. This is a specific type of therapy helpful with Josh and Lauren's diagnoses, it's what they do at Youth Care in Utah and what Lauren and I are studying at The Tarnow Center. We then teach it to Rick so we all know the info.

Radical Acceptance. Accepting that at this specific time and place, this is where I am and how things are. Sounds easy. Not really.

I have a lot of things I need to accept. You'd think I'd have already done that by now, but that's not totally true. I have come to realize, and be ok with, many situations but I have a long way to go.

One of the things I've accepted is the situation in which I grew up in and know, REALLY know my parents loved me and did the best they could. I am at peace with all of that. Because of my radical acceptance of this situation, I could give my mom the love, care and understanding she needed her last few years and why I can be there for Dad now. I'm very grateful for it, as I know with my mom, and will know with my dad when he's gone, that I did all I could for them, with no regrets.

I thought I had accepted my kids' diagnoses. However, recently I came to the realization that I was under the impression that if I worked my tail off giving them all possible opportunities to learn healthy life tips and coping strategies while young, they would have SOME difficulties but be much less affected.

I was wrong!

They still are in anguish, with more serious life situations, and I'm having trouble accepting this fact. I really don't WANT to accept it, tbh. Hehehe. Like that? See i'm still hip. I know what tbh is! Except I think that saying 'I'm hip' negates it all.

Ok. What was I saying?

This is a new level of grief, I think. Somehow my mind messed with me, or maybe it was my heart, that said if I did everything possible for Lauren and Josh they would be just like everyone else's teenagers. I know, I know!!! But typical sounds wonderful to me!

This is an example of not having radical acceptance! Now, life as it is, with both kids struggling, is the truth staring me down. I don't like it at all.

We got thru Thanksgiving without Josh. I only had 1 small tearful moment, but then it was time to go volunteer at George R Brown, and then pick up Dad. Glad Dr. Roche suggested volunteering. Really took me out of my thoughts.

But now, I don't want to decorate for Christmas. Josh isn't here and he should be! How can I decorate, how can we do the tree without all 4 of us here, drinking egg nog, listening to Johnny Mathis's Christmas album? It seems like I shouldn't do it because he won't be here to enjoy it. I'm being mean by having Christmas without him here.

THIS is radical acceptance! Josh is NOT here. Rick, Lauren and I are. I can't sit and feel sorry for myself. I need to be here for my husband, daughter and dad. Christmas is coming whether I like it or not. We will see Josh in Utah for a few days but he won't be home.

Please don't tell me to be grateful for what I DO have. I'm not trying to be rude, just honest. I do know what I'm lucky to have. Mostly we're blessed that Josh is still alive and is in an excellent facility, helping him to recover. That's my present. Insurance is paying in full, for now. That's a huge blessing. Also, Lauren is willing to work on her "stuff" and hopefully a job will come through for her, to keep her on a regular schedule and give her a sense of accomplishment.

Que sera sera. I always did think Doris Day was a little too perky.

I have other issues to come to terms with that affect me hugely. Some family issues; NO, not the growing up ones, more recent ones! Keep up with me, okay??

Some family relationships are not as I'd wish. Yea, I know, you're saying "Get over it, Beth! What else is new!" Easier said than done, right? I need to let go, take things AS THEY ARE, and not have expectations. Damn that radical acceptance!

Are you thinking right about now that I'm addicted to exclamation marks? I'm realizing that, too! Oops, too.

A giant struggle for me is accepting the diagnosis of cancer of one of my best friends. I can't wrap my brain and heart around the fact that she's 3 months younger than me. She's in pain and no one can fix that, no matter how hard her loving husband, kids, friends and doctors try. I am cherishing every moment(like putting on compression hose), smile, giggle, phone call and text we share. It's still not enough. It won't EVER be enough!!!!!!!

Radical Acceptance = Being ok with life not being fair

I also need to accept that people are going to hurt me. Not everyone will like me, in fact some people might just really dislike me. People pleasing is sooo hard to rid! (I really meant that exclamation mark)

Our family is dealing with a crisis of faith. Not going to our church of 22 years anymore is a real loss. Huge! Needed to happen, been struggling with making that decision for a long time. I need to accept this, and realize that God is everywhere, even in a new church (kinda silly, huh?)

Im trying so hard to not be on a giant pity potty. Some times are better than others. Working on it. Geez, I hate working so hard! I know many feel as I do. I'm not alone.

This is where you all come in. I've really isolated myself from life the last year or so. Especially the last 8 months. Not good for the depression, ya know. Yes, I'm such a 'clevah' girl.

We had friends over for dinner last Sunday and after they left, Rick and I realized we haven't had anyone over to our home since Mom's funeral. Heather, Patti, Emily and Trey - you have no idea how special it was to have you over and what a great time we had!!

I've been trying to put myself out there and get back into life, as of the last month. Seen many of you for the 1st time in a long while. I loved every minute and I miss you all. I know I need you. However, I have these thought that hold me back. Who would want to be around such a miserable person? Not me? Who is brave enough to ask us "How are things going?" Hehehe, I wouldn't. So I hide in my room. A lot!

Radical acceptance- Quit being so miserable, Beth! I actually am working on that. Will take time to build up my confidence. But as Sponge Bob says, "I'm ready! I'm ready!"

Thanks, you guys :) Thanks, God :) Thanks, Radical Acceptance. :p