You see, for the last few months, since August, I've been busy. Not just with regular stuff, or regular Rainey stuff, but with helping my friend as she died. What a horrible and holy labor of love!
I'm sure you can guess why it was horrible. I hate cancer! It took my lively, bubbly, determined, beautiful friend and filled her every moment with fear, pain, and agony. I watched as she took chemo and radiation, vomited and had exhaustion, endured pulmonary embolisms (which we realized began in my car but we figured she was dizzy and out of breath because she had been in her hospital bed too long), and have pain so bad that OxyContin and oxycodone together couldn't touch it. She was such a fighter. She called that part of herself "Heidi". You did NOT want to mess with Heidi! Hilary/Heidi fought so hard against the illness, for herself, for Wayne, Zach and Zoe. She was so determined to not leave her family behind. At the end she fought with every breath.
So, what's holy about all of this? Watching Hilary say "I love you too!" to her kids right up to the last day, even though she had been almost non-responsive since Monday. Watching Wayne hold her hand and gaze at her, with tears in his eyes. When he had to give her pain meds and needed her to wake up a bit, he'd call her name, she would stir almost immediately, in some fashion, her eyelids would flutter and Wayne would say, with a big smile on his face "There's my girl!". He hardly left her side during the last few weeks. I watched their cats hover around her hospital bed, especially on the last day. We had to keep moving them off of her legs. Animals are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. What holy moments I saw!
Had a few myself, while holding her hand, rubbing lotion on her bald head to get rid of the itchies, trimming and filing her nails because she didn't like her nails long, and because she knew how fastidious I am about fingernails. :) I talked, hoping she could hear me (pretty sure she did), about the day, how Zoe's cheer practice went, anything I wanted to say to her. Listened to music Wayne had set up on her laptop for her to hear. Switched the Pandora channel from worship music to Journey a few times.
The last thing Hilary, Wayne and the kids needed was me bawling my eyes out. Hilary didn't like crying, or the sad puppy-dog eyes she would get as a cancer patient while out in public. She was fighting it and she wanted no pity! So, i sucked it up and was my friend's friend. I felt very blessed to be let in, to help. The family did me such a great honor by allowing me to help them, be there, do chores, drive places and be Hilary's friend up until the end. I saw my main role as Hilary's comedian. She and I laughed and reminisced about children's choir, UM ARMY, youth choir trips, our children, you name it! We sang a few children's choir songs, talked about the Journey/REO Speedwagon concert Amy, Hilary and I went to, and scavenger hunts with youth!
And then there was the hat. We both loved Sesame Street and The Muppets from our childhood and could, at any moment break into this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8N_tupPBtWQ
Hilary had lots of hats and scarves to keep her head warm and covered. They were in a basket attached to her bed and were useful props for our laughing sessions. Last Monday night, I was wearing the Oscar the Grouch hat. Hilary opened her eyes, looked at me and said sarcastically "You look beautiful, Beth!". That was the last time she talked to me.
The service today was so beautiful. Kathy's beautiful words, Amy's solo, the beautiful music sung by a loving choir family, the pink roses, Wayne wrapping his strong arms around his children, Zoe's poem, Zach singing/playing 'The Rainbow Connection' (the Steinerts and Tim, Hilary's brother, went to see the new Muppets movie recently. Hilary sweetly cried during this song). She didn't cry today. She was the proudest mom in Heaven, watching her children's loving tributes to her.
At the reception, the Oscar the Grouch hat and her Cheshire Cat hat were on a table of pictures and other mementos. I put on one and Amy wore the other. I must have been a sight! I had cried off all my makeup, looked exhausted and wore this crazy hat on my head. Doesn't matter to me. We did it for Hilary, to laugh with our friend, all the way to the end of her journey.
Thank you, Wayne, Zoe and Zach. Thanks, Hilary. I love you.
I am so proud of you, honored and privileged to know you. God has a special place in heaven for you, my love....
ReplyDeleteYou all are so amazing. Not only am I blessed to have known Hilary. I am blessed with her final gift to me, which was to bring me into her family and get me to know her amazing friends. She didn't want me to stay alone. Love You Beth.
ReplyDeleteBeth~
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad Hilary had you to laugh with and to rest with. She was a blessing to you and you were a blessing to her~the true definiton of friendship. I only hope I will be able to be as brave and generous when the time comes for me to minister to a friend in need.
In my mind, I picture Hilary in heaven, wearing her crown with many jewels, purple boa, and KC sweatshirt. She's busy exploring~greeting family and friends not seen in a while~bursting into song~laughing from her gut~stopping to smell the pink roses~ marveling in the presence of Jesus~ dancing at the throne of The Most High ~ peek-
ing through the clouds and watching as Wayne, Zach, Zoe go about their day; longing to hold and comfort them but realizing her love will get them through the days to come as long as they remember they are not and never will be alone for God and Hilary will always be with them. She's watching over you, too. She knows exactly how you are feeling. She's grateful for you~your love, your unselfish giving and understanding, your humor and laugh. Hilary is with you and you will honor her with each breath you take. True love, unconditional love and acceptance are what you two had for each other. It will not be lost.
Beth dearest. I am reading your blog this morning and I just started crying all over again.Crying for Hilary. Crying for Josh, crying for you and all you've been going through. I've know much of it, though not all, and reading your brutally honest accounts of your life, I am so awed and humbled by you. Beth you have handled SO much, TOO much, with grace, with humility, with humour, with such love. Your admission of imperfection, feeling of not doing enough, I was so humbled, and at the same time you've given me reason to hope. To hope that I can and will continue to try do to everything I can for my kids. To hope that I can be the kind of friend you are. To hope for a way to radically accept what is, and to grab all of the joy and wonder in the every day little things because none of us knows how long or short a time we have. Thank you for being the blessing you are. Cheers my fellow Texanuck!!!!
ReplyDeleteI am exhausted but mostly lost....nothing compared to how you must be feeling.....you are a wonderful person and Hilary was so lucky to have you.......take care and try to rest now. You have a family that needs your strength and energy....Love you Beth!
ReplyDeleteMargie