DBT. Dialectical behavioral therapy. This is a specific type of therapy helpful with Josh and Lauren's diagnoses, it's what they do at Youth Care in Utah and what Lauren and I are studying at The Tarnow Center. We then teach it to Rick so we all know the info.
Radical Acceptance. Accepting that at this specific time and place, this is where I am and how things are. Sounds easy. Not really.
I have a lot of things I need to accept. You'd think I'd have already done that by now, but that's not totally true. I have come to realize, and be ok with, many situations but I have a long way to go.
One of the things I've accepted is the situation in which I grew up in and know, REALLY know my parents loved me and did the best they could. I am at peace with all of that. Because of my radical acceptance of this situation, I could give my mom the love, care and understanding she needed her last few years and why I can be there for Dad now. I'm very grateful for it, as I know with my mom, and will know with my dad when he's gone, that I did all I could for them, with no regrets.
I thought I had accepted my kids' diagnoses. However, recently I came to the realization that I was under the impression that if I worked my tail off giving them all possible opportunities to learn healthy life tips and coping strategies while young, they would have SOME difficulties but be much less affected.
I was wrong!
They still are in anguish, with more serious life situations, and I'm having trouble accepting this fact. I really don't WANT to accept it, tbh. Hehehe. Like that? See i'm still hip. I know what tbh is! Except I think that saying 'I'm hip' negates it all.
Ok. What was I saying?
This is a new level of grief, I think. Somehow my mind messed with me, or maybe it was my heart, that said if I did everything possible for Lauren and Josh they would be just like everyone else's teenagers. I know, I know!!! But typical sounds wonderful to me!
This is an example of not having radical acceptance! Now, life as it is, with both kids struggling, is the truth staring me down. I don't like it at all.
We got thru Thanksgiving without Josh. I only had 1 small tearful moment, but then it was time to go volunteer at George R Brown, and then pick up Dad. Glad Dr. Roche suggested volunteering. Really took me out of my thoughts.
But now, I don't want to decorate for Christmas. Josh isn't here and he should be! How can I decorate, how can we do the tree without all 4 of us here, drinking egg nog, listening to Johnny Mathis's Christmas album? It seems like I shouldn't do it because he won't be here to enjoy it. I'm being mean by having Christmas without him here.
THIS is radical acceptance! Josh is NOT here. Rick, Lauren and I are. I can't sit and feel sorry for myself. I need to be here for my husband, daughter and dad. Christmas is coming whether I like it or not. We will see Josh in Utah for a few days but he won't be home.
Please don't tell me to be grateful for what I DO have. I'm not trying to be rude, just honest. I do know what I'm lucky to have. Mostly we're blessed that Josh is still alive and is in an excellent facility, helping him to recover. That's my present. Insurance is paying in full, for now. That's a huge blessing. Also, Lauren is willing to work on her "stuff" and hopefully a job will come through for her, to keep her on a regular schedule and give her a sense of accomplishment.
Que sera sera. I always did think Doris Day was a little too perky.
I have other issues to come to terms with that affect me hugely. Some family issues; NO, not the growing up ones, more recent ones! Keep up with me, okay??
Some family relationships are not as I'd wish. Yea, I know, you're saying "Get over it, Beth! What else is new!" Easier said than done, right? I need to let go, take things AS THEY ARE, and not have expectations. Damn that radical acceptance!
Are you thinking right about now that I'm addicted to exclamation marks? I'm realizing that, too! Oops, too.
A giant struggle for me is accepting the diagnosis of cancer of one of my best friends. I can't wrap my brain and heart around the fact that she's 3 months younger than me. She's in pain and no one can fix that, no matter how hard her loving husband, kids, friends and doctors try. I am cherishing every moment(like putting on compression hose), smile, giggle, phone call and text we share. It's still not enough. It won't EVER be enough!!!!!!!
Radical Acceptance = Being ok with life not being fair
I also need to accept that people are going to hurt me. Not everyone will like me, in fact some people might just really dislike me. People pleasing is sooo hard to rid! (I really meant that exclamation mark)
Our family is dealing with a crisis of faith. Not going to our church of 22 years anymore is a real loss. Huge! Needed to happen, been struggling with making that decision for a long time. I need to accept this, and realize that God is everywhere, even in a new church (kinda silly, huh?)
Im trying so hard to not be on a giant pity potty. Some times are better than others. Working on it. Geez, I hate working so hard! I know many feel as I do. I'm not alone.
This is where you all come in. I've really isolated myself from life the last year or so. Especially the last 8 months. Not good for the depression, ya know. Yes, I'm such a 'clevah' girl.
We had friends over for dinner last Sunday and after they left, Rick and I realized we haven't had anyone over to our home since Mom's funeral. Heather, Patti, Emily and Trey - you have no idea how special it was to have you over and what a great time we had!!
I've been trying to put myself out there and get back into life, as of the last month. Seen many of you for the 1st time in a long while. I loved every minute and I miss you all. I know I need you. However, I have these thought that hold me back. Who would want to be around such a miserable person? Not me? Who is brave enough to ask us "How are things going?" Hehehe, I wouldn't. So I hide in my room. A lot!
Radical acceptance- Quit being so miserable, Beth! I actually am working on that. Will take time to build up my confidence. But as Sponge Bob says, "I'm ready! I'm ready!"
Thanks, you guys :) Thanks, God :) Thanks, Radical Acceptance. :p
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
There's Humor in Everything!
So, Rick said to me the other day he wants a tattoo that represents our life or our current state of mind. I jokingly asked of what. He wants a toilet, with a bat sitting on it. The bat will have this wild looking face.
Ya, you guessed it!!! Bat Sh#t Crazy!
I just nodded my head.
P.S. See, I told you I wouldn't be all whiney and mopey!! Just honest! :p
Ya, you guessed it!!! Bat Sh#t Crazy!
I just nodded my head.
P.S. See, I told you I wouldn't be all whiney and mopey!! Just honest! :p
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Be Prepared for the Dumping Ground Ahead!
So, I know I've been pretty quiet since we took Josh. It was an extremely hard day and I just couldn't. Well, couldn't do much of anything.
We took Josh for a 9:00 am check-in and were there about 2 1/2 hours. I thought I was going to have trouble leaving him with strangers, but these people are amazing. Right away I could see how professional and yet down-to-earth they were. We found out that the psychiatrist that will meet with Josh once a week, watch over him medically and manage of his meds knows Dr. Tarnow (his dr. here) and at some point in the past worked with him. That is so reassuring, especially as they will be in contact with each other.
After we turned in all of our paperwork (18 pages on-line and 46 pages to hand in), we got a tour. There are 4 houses on the property and Josh will be in his house, with his "new family" the whole time. The kids sleep, eat, have group and individual therapy, go to school, etc. all within the home. They have outdoor P.E. everyday, and what a place to be outdoors! Draper is a suburb south of Salt Lake City and sits in a valley between 2 mountain ranges. Josh will have the opportunity to ski, go snowboarding, hike and skate at the Olympic ice rink. Glad I talked him into a REAL winter coat, not a Houston winter coat.
I held it together until the very end, but that goodbye was horrible. Josh did well with it. It was all me. He hardly slept the night before and mentioned several times that he was scared but once we'd been there a while he was ok staying. He was the one consoling me. I kept my hand over my mouth because I could feel that huge sobs were going to come out. Of course my eyes cried like a fountain that I couldn't stop. After several minutes Rick said we needed to go. I found myself frozen, unable to move. My feet could not move, even though I knew it was time to leave. Rick had to pull me to get me to move. We got out the front door, out of eyesight and ear shot of anyone and then I myself was a bit taken back on the sobs/screams coming out of my mouth. One of the hardest things I've ever done.
We went back to the hotel and just napped and looked at each other with glances of "How the hell did we get here". Rick was so good about taking care of me, so loving and nurturing! The only other time I lost it was the next day, as we were driving to the airport. But, we KNOW Josh is in the right place, being well taken care of. We can't talk to him until this coming Sunday, but we can get updates any time. He's adjusting fine and all seems to be going in the right direction.
I want to thank all of you for the many messages of support, the prayers and the love sent our way. It means so much! Mental illness is such a lonely path. If we talked about all of our problems, that have been high intensity for at least the past 4-5 years, we would be the dreariest people in Texas. So, Rick and I keep most of our problems to ourselves (except for close family and 1 or 2 friends) and have found ourselves very withdrawn lately.
Besides keeping you informed about our family's journey, I hope that each of you learns at least one thing about families living with mental illness! My son is as sick as someone with a life-threatening disease. In fact, his very life has been in danger and that's why we took him to the best place we could find. However, many people just don't think of it this way and don't want to talk about it. I am determined to be different.
I am NOT ashamed of my kids' diagnoses. They are types of brain disorders, which are physical in nature. My kids are not behaving in this way because they want to. With brain chemicals all out of whack and having a brain that is not typical (better word than "normal") in its wiring imagine how you would feel. My kids suffer a lot and, in turn, act out, which makes mine and Rick's life unbelievably hard. My kids see their friends, what limited ones they have (takes an extraordinary young person to stand up for and be there for them), going off to college or being very successful in school, being invited to all kinds of things, watch them have cars, dates, and most importantly, pride in who they are and a bright outlook on their future. We want that for our kids, just like you, but so far that has not really happened.
Please don't think I'm incredibly bitter. At times I feel a little bitter, more like envious of our friends' and family's more typical family lives. I also know that many of you have had no picnic raising some of your kids. I try to stay positive but sometimes it's hard when the only good thing going for us is that a dr. is on our insurance or " at least he got one of the best doctors in the hospital."
Is it so wrong to want more? Is it bad to not want our kids to do therapy and follow ups for much of their adult lives? I don't think so. It's also ok if we would like to spend money on family fun things, instead of private school tuitions we've paid since 2005, therapy for our whole family several times a week, medication co-pays that are huge because they each have 3-4 meds, and so on.
I'm so sorry to dump on you like this. This is just NOT the way I pictured my life. Watching my children hurt is every parents' nightmare and we've been doing it for over a decade.
I would like you to see the many blessings you have in front of you, that maybe you are or are not aware of. Be grateful for having to deal with your kid and his/her many after school activities. That means they fit in and have things to look forward to and be a part of. Be grateful for the busy times when your child needs to be at 3 birthday parties all in one weekend. That means they have many friends and are accepted socially. Be grateful for late curfews, car wrecks, progress reports and Homecoming/prom drama because that means you're dealing with typical teenage issues. I know I'm happy for you! I really mean that!
I promise I'll be more upbeat next posting. Pinky swear!
Love you all and thanks for "listening to" my crap. I needed to get that out, I guess. Thanks for the support, messages, texts, etc. They've really helped Rick and me during the last several days. If you want, please try to comment here, rather than on Facebook. I'm trying to keep my FB postings drama-free and a bit more private. I really appreciate that.
Beth <3
We took Josh for a 9:00 am check-in and were there about 2 1/2 hours. I thought I was going to have trouble leaving him with strangers, but these people are amazing. Right away I could see how professional and yet down-to-earth they were. We found out that the psychiatrist that will meet with Josh once a week, watch over him medically and manage of his meds knows Dr. Tarnow (his dr. here) and at some point in the past worked with him. That is so reassuring, especially as they will be in contact with each other.
After we turned in all of our paperwork (18 pages on-line and 46 pages to hand in), we got a tour. There are 4 houses on the property and Josh will be in his house, with his "new family" the whole time. The kids sleep, eat, have group and individual therapy, go to school, etc. all within the home. They have outdoor P.E. everyday, and what a place to be outdoors! Draper is a suburb south of Salt Lake City and sits in a valley between 2 mountain ranges. Josh will have the opportunity to ski, go snowboarding, hike and skate at the Olympic ice rink. Glad I talked him into a REAL winter coat, not a Houston winter coat.
I held it together until the very end, but that goodbye was horrible. Josh did well with it. It was all me. He hardly slept the night before and mentioned several times that he was scared but once we'd been there a while he was ok staying. He was the one consoling me. I kept my hand over my mouth because I could feel that huge sobs were going to come out. Of course my eyes cried like a fountain that I couldn't stop. After several minutes Rick said we needed to go. I found myself frozen, unable to move. My feet could not move, even though I knew it was time to leave. Rick had to pull me to get me to move. We got out the front door, out of eyesight and ear shot of anyone and then I myself was a bit taken back on the sobs/screams coming out of my mouth. One of the hardest things I've ever done.
We went back to the hotel and just napped and looked at each other with glances of "How the hell did we get here". Rick was so good about taking care of me, so loving and nurturing! The only other time I lost it was the next day, as we were driving to the airport. But, we KNOW Josh is in the right place, being well taken care of. We can't talk to him until this coming Sunday, but we can get updates any time. He's adjusting fine and all seems to be going in the right direction.
I want to thank all of you for the many messages of support, the prayers and the love sent our way. It means so much! Mental illness is such a lonely path. If we talked about all of our problems, that have been high intensity for at least the past 4-5 years, we would be the dreariest people in Texas. So, Rick and I keep most of our problems to ourselves (except for close family and 1 or 2 friends) and have found ourselves very withdrawn lately.
Besides keeping you informed about our family's journey, I hope that each of you learns at least one thing about families living with mental illness! My son is as sick as someone with a life-threatening disease. In fact, his very life has been in danger and that's why we took him to the best place we could find. However, many people just don't think of it this way and don't want to talk about it. I am determined to be different.
I am NOT ashamed of my kids' diagnoses. They are types of brain disorders, which are physical in nature. My kids are not behaving in this way because they want to. With brain chemicals all out of whack and having a brain that is not typical (better word than "normal") in its wiring imagine how you would feel. My kids suffer a lot and, in turn, act out, which makes mine and Rick's life unbelievably hard. My kids see their friends, what limited ones they have (takes an extraordinary young person to stand up for and be there for them), going off to college or being very successful in school, being invited to all kinds of things, watch them have cars, dates, and most importantly, pride in who they are and a bright outlook on their future. We want that for our kids, just like you, but so far that has not really happened.
Please don't think I'm incredibly bitter. At times I feel a little bitter, more like envious of our friends' and family's more typical family lives. I also know that many of you have had no picnic raising some of your kids. I try to stay positive but sometimes it's hard when the only good thing going for us is that a dr. is on our insurance or " at least he got one of the best doctors in the hospital."
Is it so wrong to want more? Is it bad to not want our kids to do therapy and follow ups for much of their adult lives? I don't think so. It's also ok if we would like to spend money on family fun things, instead of private school tuitions we've paid since 2005, therapy for our whole family several times a week, medication co-pays that are huge because they each have 3-4 meds, and so on.
I'm so sorry to dump on you like this. This is just NOT the way I pictured my life. Watching my children hurt is every parents' nightmare and we've been doing it for over a decade.
I would like you to see the many blessings you have in front of you, that maybe you are or are not aware of. Be grateful for having to deal with your kid and his/her many after school activities. That means they fit in and have things to look forward to and be a part of. Be grateful for the busy times when your child needs to be at 3 birthday parties all in one weekend. That means they have many friends and are accepted socially. Be grateful for late curfews, car wrecks, progress reports and Homecoming/prom drama because that means you're dealing with typical teenage issues. I know I'm happy for you! I really mean that!
I promise I'll be more upbeat next posting. Pinky swear!
Love you all and thanks for "listening to" my crap. I needed to get that out, I guess. Thanks for the support, messages, texts, etc. They've really helped Rick and me during the last several days. If you want, please try to comment here, rather than on Facebook. I'm trying to keep my FB postings drama-free and a bit more private. I really appreciate that.
Beth <3
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Talk to My Heart!!
So, our family could use some extra prayers right about now. Tomorrow, Rick and I will face a very difficult situation; leaving Josh at a residential mental health facility in Utah. My poor sweet boy has gone through the wringer and he needs more help than what we can provide.
Let me start by telling you that I asked Lauren and Josh if I could write about these issues and they graciously gave their permission. I'm just telling my thoughts and feelings, but it's about their journey, which is not easy. I'm very proud of my children and how they deal with these serious issues.
Have I told you lately how much mental illness sucks!!!
Josh has not been doing well for several months now. His mood swings, depression, coping skills and thought process are out of control, leading us to have to admit him to a hospital for 8 days. God bless him, he worked his tail off in there and made real progress, but not enough to keep him safe and on an upward trend towards a regular life.
Through our wonderful doctors at The Tarnow Center, we have contracted with an educational consultant, whom will work with us over the next year to get the best care for Josh. Right now this means this residential facility. It's not a hospital, but a secure home setting with only 16 beds. Josh will receive intensive group and individual therapy, as well as have his educational needs met with an accredited program that meets his learning differences. Oh, did I mention snowboarding and hiking!! There are some perks!
Josh's length of stay depends on his progress and, much to our chagrin, what the insurance co. will approve. The typical length of stay is around 3-4 months. We'll have weekly staffings with Josh and his therapists via Skype, be able to talk to him on the phone and visit him at least once a month.
It's just not enough for my hurting heart.
How do I say goodbye tomorrow? How do I turn over my broken boy to strangers? How will he cope? Will he be scared and I won't be there to comfort him? I've only cried twice so far, and I pretty much did everything possible to squeeze back the tears, for fear that if I really start crying I won't be able to stop. Josh, and maybe Rick, is taking cues from me on how to deal with this seemingly impossible, yet necessary task. I can't fall apart yet. Too much to do!
So, I sit here in a hotel room in Salt Lake City, after a whirlwind of planning, completing forms, buying REAL winter coats, looking at Josh sleeping for the last time for a while. It's all happened so fast. From the time we made the decision to now has been 5 days. Good thing, because it hasn't left me much time to cry.
Josh has taken this move quite well. I'm really proud of him! He was a bit taken back at first, and took out his apprehensions on what he could and couldn't bring from the packing list. No t-shirts with band logos (what, no Beatles shirts!!!)and no iPod is hard for him, as music is very calming, but they have allowed Josh to bring his acoustic guitar. Thank God for that! Seriously! He started expressing his fear of going a little yesterday and all I can do is say "I know, honey. We'll be with you every step". I know he's freaked out because I've gotten lots of hugs and he's even held my hand a few times (his decision). BIG sigh!!!!
This is hard on Lauren as well. Hard for her to process it all and cope with her feelings. She is with my sister (thanks, Susie!), who thankfully came out to pick up Lauren so we had one less thing to manage. Watching them say goodbye was ... Ugh. No crying now!
We check in tomorrow at 9:00 am and we'll see what awaits us. I'm anticipating I'll be returning to the hotel with puffy eyes and a red nose, but that's a given. I KNOW we are doing the right thing for Josh and that this is the RIGHT facility for him. I just feel it. All Rick and I have ever wanted is for our children to lead healthy, productive, meaningful lives while managing their mental illnesses, as they will nned to for the rest of their lives. Just what all of you guys want for your kids, hopefully without that last part. Can I tell you again that mental illness sucks!!!
These goals for our son are only reachable by taking this path right now. I know that. Someone just tell my heart, ok?
Let me start by telling you that I asked Lauren and Josh if I could write about these issues and they graciously gave their permission. I'm just telling my thoughts and feelings, but it's about their journey, which is not easy. I'm very proud of my children and how they deal with these serious issues.
Have I told you lately how much mental illness sucks!!!
Josh has not been doing well for several months now. His mood swings, depression, coping skills and thought process are out of control, leading us to have to admit him to a hospital for 8 days. God bless him, he worked his tail off in there and made real progress, but not enough to keep him safe and on an upward trend towards a regular life.
Through our wonderful doctors at The Tarnow Center, we have contracted with an educational consultant, whom will work with us over the next year to get the best care for Josh. Right now this means this residential facility. It's not a hospital, but a secure home setting with only 16 beds. Josh will receive intensive group and individual therapy, as well as have his educational needs met with an accredited program that meets his learning differences. Oh, did I mention snowboarding and hiking!! There are some perks!
Josh's length of stay depends on his progress and, much to our chagrin, what the insurance co. will approve. The typical length of stay is around 3-4 months. We'll have weekly staffings with Josh and his therapists via Skype, be able to talk to him on the phone and visit him at least once a month.
It's just not enough for my hurting heart.
How do I say goodbye tomorrow? How do I turn over my broken boy to strangers? How will he cope? Will he be scared and I won't be there to comfort him? I've only cried twice so far, and I pretty much did everything possible to squeeze back the tears, for fear that if I really start crying I won't be able to stop. Josh, and maybe Rick, is taking cues from me on how to deal with this seemingly impossible, yet necessary task. I can't fall apart yet. Too much to do!
So, I sit here in a hotel room in Salt Lake City, after a whirlwind of planning, completing forms, buying REAL winter coats, looking at Josh sleeping for the last time for a while. It's all happened so fast. From the time we made the decision to now has been 5 days. Good thing, because it hasn't left me much time to cry.
Josh has taken this move quite well. I'm really proud of him! He was a bit taken back at first, and took out his apprehensions on what he could and couldn't bring from the packing list. No t-shirts with band logos (what, no Beatles shirts!!!)and no iPod is hard for him, as music is very calming, but they have allowed Josh to bring his acoustic guitar. Thank God for that! Seriously! He started expressing his fear of going a little yesterday and all I can do is say "I know, honey. We'll be with you every step". I know he's freaked out because I've gotten lots of hugs and he's even held my hand a few times (his decision). BIG sigh!!!!
This is hard on Lauren as well. Hard for her to process it all and cope with her feelings. She is with my sister (thanks, Susie!), who thankfully came out to pick up Lauren so we had one less thing to manage. Watching them say goodbye was ... Ugh. No crying now!
We check in tomorrow at 9:00 am and we'll see what awaits us. I'm anticipating I'll be returning to the hotel with puffy eyes and a red nose, but that's a given. I KNOW we are doing the right thing for Josh and that this is the RIGHT facility for him. I just feel it. All Rick and I have ever wanted is for our children to lead healthy, productive, meaningful lives while managing their mental illnesses, as they will nned to for the rest of their lives. Just what all of you guys want for your kids, hopefully without that last part. Can I tell you again that mental illness sucks!!!
These goals for our son are only reachable by taking this path right now. I know that. Someone just tell my heart, ok?
Friday, February 12, 2010
Yea, yea. I know, it's been a while.
So, I'm driving Lauren to school. That is always an adventure in itself. Miss Someone has already woken up on the usual grumpy side of the bed. Stomp, stomp, stomp. "Where are my earrings?" Stomp, stomp, stomp. "I can't find my jacket!" Stomp, stomp, stomp. "I can put as much sugar on my cereal as I want to!" et cetera, et cetera. What a lovely start to my day!
The joyfulness continues in the car. There is slamming of purses and backbacks, grumbling, etc and I can quickly tell how the next hour of my morning will go. As I pull out of the neighborhood this thought pops into my head to tell Lauren that I love her. So, I say "I love you, Lauren."
She turns her head with this look of "What the heck did you did you just say?" on her face. I said it again and she threw her arms down by her sides and gave this giant 'harumph' sound. She said "Why did you say that to me?" and I told her "Because I do". I told her I love her when she's sweet and kind and I love her when she's grumpy and snarky too.
She sat still for a moment and then ............. she relaxed and her whole demeanor changed. The rest of our trip was pleasant and enjoyable. Can I get a BIG Amen to that!!
As Lauren got out of the car she turned to me and said, "Thanks for driving me to school, Mama. Have a good day. See you later."
I guess what goes around really does come around. Have a good day, people!
So, I'm driving Lauren to school. That is always an adventure in itself. Miss Someone has already woken up on the usual grumpy side of the bed. Stomp, stomp, stomp. "Where are my earrings?" Stomp, stomp, stomp. "I can't find my jacket!" Stomp, stomp, stomp. "I can put as much sugar on my cereal as I want to!" et cetera, et cetera. What a lovely start to my day!
The joyfulness continues in the car. There is slamming of purses and backbacks, grumbling, etc and I can quickly tell how the next hour of my morning will go. As I pull out of the neighborhood this thought pops into my head to tell Lauren that I love her. So, I say "I love you, Lauren."
She turns her head with this look of "What the heck did you did you just say?" on her face. I said it again and she threw her arms down by her sides and gave this giant 'harumph' sound. She said "Why did you say that to me?" and I told her "Because I do". I told her I love her when she's sweet and kind and I love her when she's grumpy and snarky too.
She sat still for a moment and then ............. she relaxed and her whole demeanor changed. The rest of our trip was pleasant and enjoyable. Can I get a BIG Amen to that!!
As Lauren got out of the car she turned to me and said, "Thanks for driving me to school, Mama. Have a good day. See you later."
I guess what goes around really does come around. Have a good day, people!
Monday, November 16, 2009
"He's Not Finished With Me Yet!" - to quote a Heath
You know how you think back to something you wish you'd never done/said? I have many of those moments and just cringe when I think of things I'm not so proud of.
I often think about those times, as I watch Lauren and Josh go about their daily lives. Being the typical (in most aspects) teenagers that they are I hear them say things to people or do things that I can't believe. Don't get me wrong, my kids are great! For the most part, Rick and I are the ones that get the brunt of things from them. But..............like all youth, and some adults, with an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, L and J lose their cool and blurt out something rude, crass or uncalled for. Sometimes I say something, which of course is met with a 'lovely' response from them, but most of the time it just needs to pass away as quickly as it came out. Ugh.
That's when I reflect back to my own actions and words when I was younger, and ... not so young. Double ugh! But, that's where my new favorite song comes in.
Have you heard of Brandon Heath? You HAVE GOT to hear his song Wait and See! Click on the link and you'll find 2 places, the song and the video, where you can hear it.
What does it say? I've highlighted my favorite parts of the lyrics:
I was born in Tennessee
Late July humidity
Doctor said I was lucky to be alive
I been trouble since the day that I got here
Trouble to the day that I disappear
That will be the day
That I finally get it right
CHORUS:
There is hope for me yet
Because God won't forget
All the plans He's made for me.
I'll have to wait and see
//He's not finished with me yet//
I never really was that good in school
I talked too much broke the rules
Teachers thought I was a hopeless fool alright.
I don't know how but I made it through
It's one of those things that you got to do
I always had a knack for telling the truth
CHORUS
Still wondering why I'm here
Still wrestling with my fear
But Oh! He's up to something
But the farther out I go
I see enough to know
That I'm not here for nothin'
He's up to somethin'
So now's my time to be a man
Follow my heart as far as I can
No tellin' where I'm endin' up tonight
I never slow down or so it seems
But singing my heart is one of my dreams
All I got to do is hold on tight
There is hope for me yet
Because God won't forget
All the plans He's made for me
I'll have to wait and see
////He's not finished with me yet////
God has plans for me. I have no idea what they are. Most of the time I'm only aware of what God doesn't have planned for me. Sometimes I don't like those plans and therefore, react. The older I get I do realize that God does have something in store for me, more than I'm doing now. But I really do have to wait and see!
God isn't finished with Lauren or Josh or Rick or me! Thank God for that! We're a family holding on tight to our faith that there is some amazing future plan for each one of us. I just know it!
I often think about those times, as I watch Lauren and Josh go about their daily lives. Being the typical (in most aspects) teenagers that they are I hear them say things to people or do things that I can't believe. Don't get me wrong, my kids are great! For the most part, Rick and I are the ones that get the brunt of things from them. But..............like all youth, and some adults, with an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, L and J lose their cool and blurt out something rude, crass or uncalled for. Sometimes I say something, which of course is met with a 'lovely' response from them, but most of the time it just needs to pass away as quickly as it came out. Ugh.
That's when I reflect back to my own actions and words when I was younger, and ... not so young. Double ugh! But, that's where my new favorite song comes in.
Have you heard of Brandon Heath? You HAVE GOT to hear his song Wait and See! Click on the link and you'll find 2 places, the song and the video, where you can hear it.
What does it say? I've highlighted my favorite parts of the lyrics:
I was born in Tennessee
Late July humidity
Doctor said I was lucky to be alive
I been trouble since the day that I got here
Trouble to the day that I disappear
That will be the day
That I finally get it right
CHORUS:
There is hope for me yet
Because God won't forget
All the plans He's made for me.
I'll have to wait and see
//He's not finished with me yet//
I never really was that good in school
I talked too much broke the rules
Teachers thought I was a hopeless fool alright.
I don't know how but I made it through
It's one of those things that you got to do
I always had a knack for telling the truth
CHORUS
Still wondering why I'm here
Still wrestling with my fear
But Oh! He's up to something
But the farther out I go
I see enough to know
That I'm not here for nothin'
He's up to somethin'
So now's my time to be a man
Follow my heart as far as I can
No tellin' where I'm endin' up tonight
I never slow down or so it seems
But singing my heart is one of my dreams
All I got to do is hold on tight
There is hope for me yet
Because God won't forget
All the plans He's made for me
I'll have to wait and see
////He's not finished with me yet////
God has plans for me. I have no idea what they are. Most of the time I'm only aware of what God doesn't have planned for me. Sometimes I don't like those plans and therefore, react. The older I get I do realize that God does have something in store for me, more than I'm doing now. But I really do have to wait and see!
God isn't finished with Lauren or Josh or Rick or me! Thank God for that! We're a family holding on tight to our faith that there is some amazing future plan for each one of us. I just know it!
I Gotta Feelin'... Woo hoo, Boo hoo
So, I was just sitting on my couch, drinking coffee, trying to catch up on some shows on the DVR before anything else gets erased for lack of memory space. I flipped through my recordings of Oprah and they had the behind the scenes stuff from her opening show for this season, where she had the Black Eyed Peas singing their song "I Got a Feeling". Over 20,000 people totally surprised Oprah with a 'flash mob dance' (I had to look that up!) for the song.
I sat there watching the dance, after seeing it on the opening show and again on YouTube, with the biggest smile on my face and singing along. Pretty typical Beth, right? I love the whole thing; the song, the band, the synchronized movement of the crowd and watching Oprah realize what was happening and then get totally into it. I started tearing up, which is something that I do when I'm happy or sad. I thought I was happy....
All of a sudden I found myself crying for real. Not happy tears but something coming up out of me. It happened yesterday in church too. Tears came from 'nowhere!' and wouldn't stop. Have you ever really noticed how connected happy and sad emotions are? Of course, I'm wondering what my tears are about, but it's also fascinating to me how my emotions went from joy and happiness (that's how I feel when I experience music I like) to sorrow so quickly.
Maybe music is like alcohol, it accentuates whatever emotion is most present at the moment.
So, being the mental health advocate that I am learning to become, I went to the internet to see what researchers say about the most powerful organ in the human body: the brain! Here's what I found...
From an article published by The Society for Neuroscience - "Brain activity during these tasks showed involvement of brain areas typically associated with the generation of emotions and areas that control motor behavior. Listening to self-selected happy and sad musical selections also produced brain activity associated with emotions and music processing.
So, there it is. It's all in the hardwiring! Fascinating, isn't it. Complicated and confusing, isn't it! It's a wonder that anyone is "typical/normal". What a miracle!
Now, not to be ignored is the job to ponder over what's getting to me.........hmmm, so many choices, so little time!
I sat there watching the dance, after seeing it on the opening show and again on YouTube, with the biggest smile on my face and singing along. Pretty typical Beth, right? I love the whole thing; the song, the band, the synchronized movement of the crowd and watching Oprah realize what was happening and then get totally into it. I started tearing up, which is something that I do when I'm happy or sad. I thought I was happy....
All of a sudden I found myself crying for real. Not happy tears but something coming up out of me. It happened yesterday in church too. Tears came from 'nowhere!' and wouldn't stop. Have you ever really noticed how connected happy and sad emotions are? Of course, I'm wondering what my tears are about, but it's also fascinating to me how my emotions went from joy and happiness (that's how I feel when I experience music I like) to sorrow so quickly.
Maybe music is like alcohol, it accentuates whatever emotion is most present at the moment.
So, being the mental health advocate that I am learning to become, I went to the internet to see what researchers say about the most powerful organ in the human body: the brain! Here's what I found...
From an article published by The Society for Neuroscience - "Brain activity during these tasks showed involvement of brain areas typically associated with the generation of emotions and areas that control motor behavior. Listening to self-selected happy and sad musical selections also produced brain activity associated with emotions and music processing.
So, there it is. It's all in the hardwiring! Fascinating, isn't it. Complicated and confusing, isn't it! It's a wonder that anyone is "typical/normal". What a miracle!
Now, not to be ignored is the job to ponder over what's getting to me.........hmmm, so many choices, so little time!
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